Fear

My fear is death. An intense, overwhelming, I’m going to pass out because I cannot breath fear. It wasn’t always this way for me. There is a naivety as a child – a blind faith in something beyond us.

I minored in religious studies in college and it was during a mysticism of the east and west class that I had my first panic attack. Professor Boyd was describing, how in Buddhism, the analogy on life is to picture an ocean with a wave swelling. As it crests, a droplet of water breaks free, and we are born. The time that it free falls all on it’s own, is a life. As it enters back into the ocean, that is death, and we enter back into the greater essence of things. Beautiful right? Yes. Beautiful. But for me, I experienced it as the worst case scenario. A total loss of consciousness. An unawareness before and an unawareness after. I had to leave class and go find a place to breath!! I’ve never been the same since. Every time I think about death – about really not being here – not having consciousness – I’m done – I’m freaking out!

I’ve read books, I’ve talked with rabbis, I’ve even done a full session with a past life expert. Nothing was soothing. Nothing was helpful. When you’re asking a question that has no answer – it’s hard to get answers. Having faith is hard. When we are taught to look for facts, to have data, it’s really hard to have blind faith. My most recent endeavor has been to go straight to the source – a medium. After the dog attack, having to put Nozzle down, and my grandfather’s death – I needed something more. My mom and I went to an incredible event with a woman by the name of Rebecca Rosen … I honestly don’t know what I believe or not, but the experience was pretty amazing, I’ve read her book twice now and I’m always looking for signs. From Nozzle, from my grandfather, from a guardian angel, something to help give me faith. I still get terrified if I think too deeply about death, but I can tell that I’m on the right path to find faith.